Sunday, 20 January 2013
I) An introduction
For those that are not familiar with this fact,
I have Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder..
They are different disorders, but treated with the same medications etc, so although I am not sure which is the most dominant, I prefer to just focus on the depression these days.
I liken depression to walking on your knees over the sand, while everyone else is walking on their feet.. it is slow hard work and you can see the whole goddamn beach spread out before you, and you don't know how in the hell you will keep up. not to mention the fact that depression is invisible, noone knows you are walking on your knees, and maybe those that do think you are silly to be doing so, that you should just get up, stand up, walk like the rest of em.
But you can't, you have to work twice as hard just to keep caught up, and it leaves little energy or breath for much else. You are in constant fear of reaching the end of that beach, for you may well have to cross over rocks and boulders when you do, you wish someone would just come rescue you and lift you onto their back, and carry you the rest of the way.
It is worse still when we have children, if it weren't for them perhaps we would just lie down in the sand and give up, let the tide wash over us and take our body out to sea. But we can't let our children wander off alone, not when we brought them into this world, so there is also that added pressure weighing down on us, that we have to keep up, for their sake.. or maybe we should just give up now, let somebody else take their hand, let them forget we exist, forever holding them back.
But they won't. They never would, so many childhood disorders etc, stem from traumatic events in childhood, being abandoned or beaten or neglected.. losing a parent to suicide would definitely be something I would class as traumatic.. and I myself am determined not to up the chances of my kids ever having to deal with something like this, this permanent rain cloud, this feeling of walking in mud, of eternal tiredness, and feeling like you are under constant attack by forces often unseen.
But... even in the great wars throughout history they took breaks on special days or during select seasons, a unanimous ceasefire on both sides.
That is how I am trying to treat things... with depression I feel like I am constantly under attack, it is all my perception however, but knowing this does little to change how it feels. So I have to give myself cease-fire. I know that if I interact with people I will usually take SOMETHING the wrong way, or feel slighted by some action... so I take people free days. This means staying away from all forms of communication... because just reading peoples statuses can give the worst case of paranoia to even those with the thickest of skin.
Also as Einstien famously said; "Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid."
I agree with Alby on this,
Also comparing yourself to those around you, in regards to how you are coping, is only going to make you feel weak and worthless.. I am learning this the hard way.
After I tried to end my life last year, coming close to succeeding, I struggled to find a way to make things work.
Unfortunately, I came to the eventually conclusion, that the only way I would ever stand on my own two feet is to throw myself in the deep end.
So sadly my husband and I have separated I have taken on the kids full time, and I am going from staying up til' 4-6am most nights and getting up at midday, to suddenly having to be responsible all on my own.
I had got to a point where I couldn't dress myself most the time, I wouldn't take my pills unless someone gave them to me to take, I barely left the house, I had constant panic attacks when I faced housework or leaving my home. I stopped cooking, I stopped most my hobbies, the only things I could do that didn't seem too hard to achieve were computer games and sleeping.
I knew it wasn't healthy, I saw that for a very long time, but when you feel weak, when you feel crippled by something, facing your guilt over your failures, often makes it ten times harder to get past them. So you shut down.
I want to live.
My kids need me, my friends too I think, even my family who I once believed could never understand me or tolerate me.. I think they would feel a great loss if I departed this earth.
So one way or another I have to stop leaning on those that let me lean. Help is good, dependence is not. Only you can really draw the line. You can't wait for others to say "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!"
Those who loved me so much, they did everything they possibly could for me, to the point where they began to loathe me for it, and I slowly died inside, from the shame of what I had become.
So this will be my story, it won't be easy.. I have survived 3 days so far and I am waiting for the other shoe to drop so to speak.
But I know I am not alone out there, there are others like me, who struggle to wake up each day.. and get out of bed,
Others who are drowning in their own guilt, who wish they could achieve just the simplest of things, and that people around them would understand how well they had done, to do just that, to wash the dishes, or to walk into a shop, to talk to a neighbour, or brush their hair... to not walk away from everyone they love and just give up entirely.
So this is for them, and this is for me, and this is for anyone else who wants to follow along on my journey.